One evening, back when pleated skirts, polo shirts, and saddle shoes were my daily getup (oh, high school), my dad, his girlfriend Caroline, and I sat in one of my favorite sushi restaurants in Hollywood. Caroline, who was coolly sipping her margarita/amaretto sour/some other yellowish beverage, let us in on her lifelong dream of being pied. Yes, we admitted, we were also curious about what it might feel like to have an entire pie launched at our faces. A pact was made: at some point in the near future, we would all be pied by one another.
First came Dad, whom we more realistically caked, than anything. It went down in a supermarket parking lot and he was less than pleased when a two-pound double chocolate layer cake was catapulted straight at his cheesy real estate-ready smile.
I was the second victim, pied in a Rite Aid parking lot on a trip to pick up some flash cards. As Dad and I walked out, Caroline was waiting, ready to attack with a whipped cream filled piecrust. Think about what it feels like to run into someone you weren’t expecting to see, and then imagine them hurling a god damn pie at your face. As I licked the whipped cream out of my hair, the three of us walked back to the car “to get a towel.” Here’s a piece of advice: trust no one. What was waiting for me in the trunk was not, in fact, a clean towel, but rather, another pie, which was yet again smushed all over my terrified face and already whipped cream logged hair.
Months passed and my college countdown was getting down to the wire. Caroline was the only one of us left to be pied, and because we are mean, cruel human beings, we decided to drag out her anticipation as long as possible. On my very last night before moving to Boston, we dined at Soot Bull Jeep, my all-time favorite Korean Barbeque restaurant. Wearing anything remotely fancy to this place is a rookie mistake, since the scent of marinated beef and charcoal will forever be infused into your clothes. Caroline’s no rookie though, so not only was she dressed for Soot Bull Jeep, but she was also wearing the perfect attire for a good ol’ pie-in-the-face. We lugged ourselves out to the parking lot after consuming copious amounts of Marinated Spencer Steak and Kimchi. Like clockwork, Dad opened the trunk, I grabbed the pie, and the saga was completed. Caroline’s lifelong dream of being pied had been achieved and I could go off to college knowing that I had done at least one good thing in my life for someone else.
If you’ve ever purchased a frozen piecrust, you know that you almost always have to buy two. I’d like to think that I was pied twice because Dad and Caroline didn’t want to be wasteful, but I find that hard to believe.
I like pie, but not usually enough to make two, so I save the other piecrust in the freezer. I discovered one of said piecrusts the other day, so I invited over a few friends to make dinner, drink wine…the usual stuff.
The great thing about piecrust is that you can fill it with just about anything, toss it in the oven or fridge, and you’ve got yourself a great dessert or quiche. Be warned, though, if you ever come across a piecrust filled with whipped cream, run. And run fast.
This tart uses a premade piecrust and only a few ingredients for a no hassle dessert. It’s sweet, creamy, and just a little tart on the tongue. The blueberry preserves give it that shiny fruit tart look without the plasticy taste that classifies most tarts as “look, but do not eat” foods. I would encourage you to try pie-ing someone using this recipe, but let’s be honest. Crème Fraîche is expensive!
1 frozen piecrust
4 ounces cream cheese (room temperature)
1/8 cup sugar
1/8 cup crème fraîche
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 cups fresh blackberries
¾ cups blueberry preserves
Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit
Remove piecrust from freezer and scrape the bottom and sides with a fork. Bake for 10 minutes.
Remove from oven and set aside.
Using a whisk, hand mixer, or standing mixer with whisk attachment, beat cream cheese and sugar until combined.
Add crème fraîche and vanilla and beat until combined.
In a small saucepan, heat preserves over medium/low heat, stirring occasionally, until melted.
Let preserves cool for a moment and then add blackberries, using a slotted spoon to coat.
Spread cream cheese mixture onto bottom of piecrust.
Use slotted spoon to distribute blackberries over cream cheese mixture.
Place, uncovered, in the fridge for 1-2 hours before serving.